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….the thing is now I just keep logging on to Facebook just to make sure I tell people Happy Birthday!  The first time I did it, I was very sincere, but let’s face it, now I’m am doing it out of duty! I’m afraid of dissapointing any of my FB friends, but if its a weekend you’re just probably not going to get a Happy Birthday because I don’t check it as much! It sure does save a lot of money on cards though…Hallmark’s taking a beating off this facebook birthday phenomenon….and let’s just get something out there…I don’t think you have to personally thank each person that said Happy Birthday (whew got that off my chest!)…..so if I don’t write Happy Birthday on your wall…get over it.:)jk…  If you put a smiley face behind something you say and add a “jk”, you can be as mean as you want…”Hey Teddy McPhee, your an idiot”:)jk!  …see…. and I still don’t know how to make those little hearts and music notes and stuff people put on there…are they called emoticons?  I thought emoticons were the bad transformers….??

I cleaned the toilets this morning…(no its not the first time since I moved in Mom!)…but I noticed again, why in the world do they make the toilet bowl cleaner smell like peppermint mouthwash? It should be a smell, not a flavor!  Shouldn’t it be industrial strength piney smell or straight up smell like bleach?  No, it smells like I should squirt it in my mouth, rinse and spit…an flush… an you could really get it to cover the entire inside of your mouth with that bent kneck shaped bottle too…

This Hobo thing is really getting out of hand, someone needs to do something about it, I never have change left for the beach toll bridge with these people around.  My kids call them Hobo’s, I’ve heard Panhandlers, Homeless, Bums, whats the politically correct name for them anyway? Hygienically Challenged?  The other day one was relieving himself behind a bush in plain site of us as I drove by with all my girls staring out the window with comments like, “What do they do at night?” “What are they drinking out of those sacks?” “Where do they go to the bathroom?” (uh right there)….  I’ve even heard they might be Angels Unawares…but I didn’t think Angels would need to pee behind a bush, they should at least be able to unfurl their dirty little cherub wings an fly across the street to the Waffle House and use their toilet (they might also borrow some of the minty fresh toilet cleaner/mouthwash).

The last note I talked about handshakes and I had a lot of feedback, so I figured like a movie DVD, I would give you some unseen footage, this is the part that got cut out of the last note for time….The part about Mr Shaky Shakerton handshake…the guy who shakes your hand up and down until you have a good case of tennis elbow, “hey Mr. Shakerton, I’m gonna have to see the Orthopedist now thanks alot”…these people smile alot while they shake the fool out of your arm too, so watch out for smiley shakers! and what about the Overstay your Welcome shakers?  You know, the one who is still shaking your hand after you’ve already introduced yourself and told them how old your kids are,  and ordered your appetizer…”Hey buddy, I need to use my fork now, you wanna just let go for a sec, big guy?”…..and the two-handed grabber, this is usually older people, they grab your hand with two hands and shake very slowly for some reason, I’m not sure, but I think they are actually using you as a walker for a few seconds, just to get their bearings as they pull themselves towards you like a car going through the automatic car wash….”Easy there gramps, where ya gonna go when you get to me??”  This one is hard because I never know if they are gonna fall over if I let go first! 🙂 😉 😛 :O

Its been a while, but I’ve been keeping real busy…and somehow I hurt the knuckle in my pinky finger on my right hand a few weeks ago…no big deal right?  I don’t even know how I did it, which probably has something to do with my age and I am expecting a broken hip any day now, but anyhow, through this horrible debilitating injury, I have come to discover the many handshaking variations that people use. I mean, I really don’t like the ‘pansy’ hand shake, where the guy only uses his fingers and feels like he’s trying not to mess up his newly polished nails, and I absolutely can’t stand the ‘quick-grabber’ who closes his grip before my hand is all the way into his and automatically makes ME the pansy-finger-shake-person and I want to yell something like “HEY that’s not my handshake, you didn’t even give me a chance there buddy, I wanna do over!” So lately my hand has been hurting while shaking hands at church or work or wherever, due to this prolific injury, so I have learned a new technique where I shove my hand into the would-be squeezaholic’s hand so extremely fast that I actually sometimes surprise and confuse them (I have named it the ‘shock and awe’ shake), and then I smile at them real big while having a pain free shake!. However…. however… this is my ultimate hated handshake:  The ‘competition squeezer’,  Yes, I said the competition squeezer….. these guys should be wearing team uniforms with numbers and sponsorships….these human beings feel the need to look you straight in the eye and squeeze the hardest they possibly can until they affirm their masculinity to themselves.  It’s like they are at the county fair and they think if they squeeze my hand hard enough, my head will pop right off my neck and they will win a giant stuffed giraffe or something!  As they see me approach I think they actually hear a voice in their head..”step right up, win a prize!”…GUYS, church is NOT the time for a tough man competition, you didn’t have to pay to get in and there is no prize!!  My pastor happens to be a hybrid version of both the competition squeezer and quick grabber, he grabs your fingers as soon as he feels contact and squeezes impressively hard while looking you directly in the eye, and I just smile and say “hi” while inside my head I’m screaming all kinds of things that are not appropriate to yell at church…    I think I’m going to start boycotting the whole handshake thing anyway, I’ve really grown fond of the fist bump. How can we send out that announcement and just cancel the handshake in exchange for the fist bump? I mean it has to be more sanitary too! Think about the quick grabber that catches your eye as he’s coming out of the bathroom?….fist bump and run baby! ….and your probably ok still….

speaking of bathroom humor…..My Girls…Bless their hearts, I thought they were just gonna be so sweet and fluffy, like kittens; I’m not sure who they’ve been hanging around but the other day one of them had been having some, errr.. well my Grandad use to call it Montezuma’s revenge…. but anyway, they were all in the bathroom at a restaurant taking a very long time and when they finally came out, I asked, “Were ya’ll playing in there”?  Three “no’s” came back quickly, so then I felt bad and later I asked Blondie if the reason they took so long was because she had been experiencing the aforementioned revenge, and she responded very quickly, “NO! Those 2 were in there taking giant elephant dumps”! Good Grief….sweetness…

In randomness….The last time I changed a battery in the truck, I noticed that it had a warning label that said “Do not drink the battery acid” Really??… Really!! Well, NOW you tell me!!  Last time I got thirsty on a road trip, I was all upset that someone drank all my window washer fluid, so  I was about to go for the battery acid and walla! the warning!!  Thanks Interstate Battery people, bunch of lifesavers aren’t ya?!

Speaking of batteries, whats up with these smart cars?  I just wanna hit one with my ‘stupid’ truck so bad, but they’re decievingly quick! Everyone says, yeah, but you wouldn’t want to get in a wreck in one of those!  I really don’t wanna get in a wreck in any vehicle, but I really think it should be mandatory that they wear helmets riding in those little Fisher Price cars, I mean if my kids have to wear a helmet riding a bike, these nerds should have to wear a helmet in their nerd-mobile’s, and we can’t really afford to lose any more nerds… I need someone who can speak English to be working in Tech support when I call…..and speaking of helmets, I saw a girl riding one of those little scooter/motorcycle things the other day and it got me thinking…if you get on one of those things and you look down and can’t see the scooter, you might need a bigger scooter or a Harley or a smart car!  I mean, if you sit down on your motor bike scooter thingy and the only thing you can see are the mirrors, you have more problems than high gas prices.

Pic Courtesy of Shane! Thanks!

So my mother bought my girls some caterpillars off the internet….I could just stop there, that’s pretty funny if you think about it, but it was pretty neat watching them turn into a cacoon, or “crysallis” if you are a butterfly expert (a butterflyologist)…I thought it was a nice biology lesson and fun for the girls… So now after a few weeks we have butterflies in  two small screened in containers, the kids are happy, especially when they are in their room with the door shut and I get a call to get a butterfly out of the ceiling fan light fixture before he catches on fire and becomes a lightning bug! So meanwhile, while this all was going on, I did look at the instruction book a few times to make sure I didn’t kill the things before they hatched or bloomed or whatever you call it, and I did notice that it said the butterflies will live 2 weeks to 2 months (kinda stinks for the 2 weekers, but…) and get this, it said that their main purpose is to reproduce and lay eggs….. yes, I kinda skimmed over that the first time I read it….. so with that in mind….the other day before the great ceiling fan rescue, #2 comes in and yells, Dad! Dad! I got twins!!! “Really, Twins”? before it hit me…. “Twins”?  Yes! they’re stuck together in the back!!… and they aren’t flying!  “Wow!! Namma got yall Siamese Twin Butterflies!! I think they are real rare!!”  Good grief, so much for a biology experiment…I wasn’t ready for that talk…we are planning the great butterfly release of 2011 now.

and speaking of shopping…ok, I had no transition here, but, I went shopping a few weeks ago, and by shopping I mean I went to Lowes to pick up one thing that was pre-determined and it took my eight and a half minutes total….but I digress…what high up executive at Home Depot and Lowes decided that the best way to design a home supply store would be to put the entrance and exit doors at the extreme opposite ends of the store??  Every time I go to one of those stores I have a hard time parking, because I’m not sure if I want to walk a long way going in, or if I’d rather walk a long way when I come out with my buggy, and praying I don’t have to come out the contractors exit which is a half-mile jog back to the entrance.  Good grief, why can’t I just go in and out the same door people?  and God forbid I want to go “in” the “out”, noooo contrare!!, not a chance, and if you slip in when someone is going out, you get the condescending glance from the “all-knowing” cashier, like she dissaproves of this whole scene, but she’ll let it slide just this time!  If you need advice in this area….. I used to park close to the entrance to walk in, but then when they are busy, I come out to look for my white pickup truck and realize there are at least 58 white pickup trucks at Lowes in Pensacola at any one given time, so there I am with my buggy with one square wheel, knockin along, hitting my panic button looking for the white truck that is blinking an honking and trying to figure out how to turn off the panic button without… panicking….so yes, now I park near the exit and walk briskly to the entranceway while wondering if anyone ever tried to steal one of those lawn mowers out front that are all chained-up together…..

The escapee…

She had to have a turn too!!

The old butterfly on the face routine…

Let’s Get in Shape!

Irony?  Irony is the former members of the Northwest Burger Tour suddenly and without warning, signing up to compete in a Triathalon!   Guys, you do know you have to swim a really long way right??

And the cycling, the bicycle is something else altogether, most of these bikes way less than a gallon of milk and if you have never sat on the seat of a “tri-bike” you are not missing anything whatsoever.  Its much more of a hard narrow piece of plastic or leather or it doesn’t really matter the key words here are hard and narrow.  Evidently the tri-bike people think that “one-size-fits-all” works for that part of the body.  After a few miles on one of these cones of death, you are begging to go horseback riding at a gallop or trot or gait or anything, and praying dear God get me off this evil torture bar!  The other day at the doctor he asked how I rated my pain …..Pain scale goes 1)kidney stones 2) child birth  3) racing bike seat 4) hot poker in the eye, etc……..  We should have used these seats for the Taliban…a few hours on these narrow pieces of hell and they would have gladly given up Bin Laden.  There is really no way of sitting comfortably on it, even whilst wearing your padded gel tights (yes you read that correctly), after a half hour on one of these puppies, your lower extremeties are begging for a pillow or a marshmallow or anything else….

and speaking of sugary foods, in order to compete in a triathlon I have to start eating better too….  I’ve been trying to eat oatmeal in the mornings, no not the good peaches and cream packets that I make for the kids, no, no contrair, I have the stuff the horses and goats get, and it comes packaged all pretty in a round cardboard tube-like container with an old man on it for some reason…whats up with that anyway, is oatmeal so cheap that they have to have an expensive package to mark it up?  They should just put it in a box, but nooooo, it has to be in a tube-like structure, so when you pour it in your measuring cup there is no way it doesn’t spill out around the edge of the cup…but I digress…. Have you ever cooked this stuff in the microwave?  It looks like its doing just fine, until the moment you turn your head and then bam! it starts bubbling over in a molten lava sort of way, and I’m not sure of what sort of chemical reaction the water, oats and heat start, but I’m pretty sure its’ permanently stuck to the round glass in the bottom of the microwave seconds after you frantically sling the door open and grab it, before thinking how it is hotter than the pavement at Casino Beach parking lot in July.  and then…. the joy of eating the oatmeal….  wow… I’ve heard.. “just add some honey”, or raisins, or craisins, or 40 sugar packets, or meatloaf or, for crying out loud its still oatmeal and by the time it cools off enough so you don’t burn your tongue, (there is no luke warm with this stuff), it turns cold and then it is like eating a piece of cardboard wrapped around some silly putty, it expands as you eat it and feels like a case of wet saw dust going down.  But I sure do feel better about myself after choking it down!!

I’m saving up my oatmeal tubes to make a new bike seat.

Say What?

So, the other day on my morning adventure that is getting the kids to school on time, there was some discussion about the community pool opening soon and the possibility of it being available for our next weekend together.  Now there is a big pool and there is a smaller wading pool for the toddlers with some fountains and just general kiddy stuff….I repeat…kiddy….stuff.  So my 8 year old says, Yeah there’s a pool for us and a pool for the 2 babies!! yaay!, and then my just-turned-5 year old proclaims in a bold and proud lisp, “I’m not a baby anymore!, I don’t wanna swim in the tiddy pool”!  (The d’s actually sounded alot more like t’s, but for purposes of….well, i just changed them to d’s)….  Anyway after I cleaned up the coffee that I spewed all over myself and applied burn cream to the appropriate areas, I asked her to repeat what she said, and sure enough I had heard it correctly for the second time now….  Now initially, I have to admit, as a newly, single-bachelor-type-red-blooded-burger-tour-member-heterosexual-male, I did wonder for a brief second, where exactly had she seen the sign for this new pool….but just as quick, I came back to myself and explained that it was a “kiddy” pool, like as in “kids playing in the pool”!   Speaking of getting the kids to school on time, my 8 year old wrote me a note the other day and put it by the door, she told me it was a “reminder note”.  She wrote this the day after I was frantically running through the house, lightly verbalizing the fact that we may be late and the end of the world was most likely at hand….  I tried to attach a picture for proof (not sure it worked), but I will translate, since she did not get an A in penmanship…1)remember our bedroom stuff  2) Leave for school at least by 7:25 or 7:30  3) take the baby to Nama’s and Papa’s and remember the diper bag!  4) (and my personal favorite) …remember to go to work!

Alyssa’s “reminder” note.

Being a single father of 4 has definitely been a transition.  I finally sat down to eat Monday night after I got them all in bed and realized I had missed the NCAA championship basketball game!!! …and for the first time, it didn’t really matter to me.

So I went to my My Space page the other day out of curiosity and I hadn’t looked at it in a long long time.  Did you know that you can “like” myspace on Facebook?  That is kind of weird to me, since if I’m on Facebook, i dont really like myspace…  Anyway I noticed that a few years ago I used to write some clever little notes on my myspace page (don’t rush out to read them now, just hang on people), and I asked myself, “Self, why do you not write any clever notes any more?”  I don’t know, I guess I just got busy, or going through a divorce has caused me to lose some cleverness, or maybe my cleverability was taken in the settlement, its all a blur to me now anyway, but I thought maybe I should start writing my completely useless thoughts down again for people of all ages to enjoy and waste their precious time reading.  So here I am again, thinking that if I can just change just one life for the better by my writing….well thats not really what i’m thinking but, I was thinking last night when I bought a new trash can for the kitchen that the trash bag people and the trash can people should probably talk more.  I bought a 12 gallon trash can, and some 13 gallon trash bags and I’m not a math whiz, but I figured the bags would fit in the can, but they just aren’t quite big enough ….every time you throw something heavy in the trash can, like say a paper towel or a lettuce leaf, the bags just come out from the edge and then of course the 3 little girls that are scraping their spaghetti off their plates into the trash, dump it right on top of the crumpled up “supposedly 13 gallon” bag!  or maybe I just shouldn’t buy bags from the dollar store… and speaking of lettuce leafs, am I really supposed to know what humidity setting to set the little drawer in my refrigerator on that I keep my lettuce in??  High? Low? or one of the 4 dots in between? They certainly didn’t teach me that in any classes I ever took….. Four years of college an I have no idea what humidity is best for the lettuce, maybe I should put it in the freezer, it is iceberg…..wow, glad I got that off my chest….

New MySpace Games?

What’s up with all the new stuff on Myspace??  I just got bought by someone, and evidently I am their pet now?? And some people now have a truth box, but the truth is, I am not sure I need to be a someone’s pet.  And after many many years of striving to make something of myself, I think I might be worth around $734 according to a recent bulletin… I am not sure, but I was hoping no one would find that out!  If somebody buys me as their pet, will I get “put down” when I get older?  Oh and FYI, if you buy me as your pet, you might want to get a big litter box.  Someone else on Myspace just hired me for a new job…I don’t really have time for it, but I would like to see the benefit package before I just walk away!  I am typing this from within my truth box at home…I was scared to load that game, so I just got a box from behind WalMart and wrote “truth box” on it and I keep it in the living room.  I get in their and yell, “I love your new hairdo, baby!!”  She knows I am genuine when I am in my truth box…Wow, it feels good to get that off my chest.

Boil in a Bag?

Who invented boil in a bag rice?  At first it seemed like a great idea, yeah rice in a bag, and you can boil it!  and its as easy as just getting a fork and picking it up and then cut the bag open after it drains the just finished boiling water out of the bag.

Yeah that’s easy!….that rice is freaking hot! Like little fire bullets!  Mother of Troy! Pick it up with a fork and drain it? Yeah that’s sounds simple, but you can’t do it without dropping the bag at least once back into the boiling inferno water!  And to make things worse after you finally cut thru the steel mesh bag, the steam gets to your fingers and you drop the little fire bullets all over the top of your bare feet!  Good Grief that crap is burning!  Easy?  oh contrair mr. boil it in a bag…I have little red marks all over my feet and finger blisters and my glasses are all fogged up!

That’s just a sampling of what went thru my head tonight…

Basketball and Valentines

Well, Basketball season is almost over for us and we made Final 4 in our Conference. We had a decent year, but last Saturday I realized that nothing compares to when it is your own kids. We won a big game Friday night with my high school boys team, but then Saturday morning we went to watch Alyssa and Alexis play in their Upwards basketball games.  Neither girl gets to play much and they neither one get to “handle” the ball much in their games, due to the fact that their are other better players on their teams.  Neither girl had even got to shoot the basketball so far in a real game.

But Saturday morning Alyssa scored her first basket!  She took the ball from the inbounds pass, dribbled to half court, stopped, double-dribbled and kept on dribbling around the other team (and her team) and didn’t stop until she got near the basket.  Then her defender stepped up and tried to block her, this did not deter her, she calmly stepped back a few steps (traveled), looked left, looked right, and couldn’t see anyone worth passing too (they were just basically stopped and staring at her to see what she would do!) (she is the only girl on her team!), then she fired it up into the air, it came down and hit nothing but the bottom of the net!  I was so proud of her and she just stood there looking around with a big smile on her face, I almost started crying (not really of course I wouldn’t do that!)

Alexis on the other hand has still yet to score, although she is doing better and gaining confidence.  She plays on a team with all girls and some have played before and I am sure she will score before the season is over.

I am amazed at how something so trivial made me feel so great for my little girl!

 

1st Blog Ever…

We (WFBA) have a game Tuesday night and a three game trip to Panama City this weekend.  It will be a long week, starting a long season for us.  We will find out after this week, if we will be any good or not! The kids have been practicing real hard this year.  The gym (metal building) at church should arrive this week and we are pouring concrete…finally!

Also, Alexis and Alyssa have their tryouts for Upwards Basketball this week!  That should be exciting, a 5 and a 6 year old girls playing basketball…coaches daughters so they will have high expectations….I just hope they have fun, I know I will have fun watching them tryout and play this year.  I’m already in trouble for buying them a basketball and letting them practice their dribbling on the tile floor in the kitchen, but oh well…how else will they learn?, I sure don’t feel like going outside in the driveway…its to slanted, they will learn to dribble crooked out there!  I had them running yesterday afternoon in the front yard. I ran with them for about 8 steps, then just coached! I think I pulled a hammy on the last wind sprint!

Can’t wait until Thanksgiving, I’m going on a hunger strike to make room for more fried turkey and mashed taters….well at least until noon today! Wait!!  the perfect plan! I shall diet between the hours of 8-11 am and 1 and 5 pm everyday!!  Unless, obviously, if a vendor brings Krispy Kreme to work, then of course I will only eat less than 3 doughnuts, (*per hour) until they are gone!