Have you ever seen an NFL football game where they have someone “Mic’d Up”? They put a small microphone on one of the players and let you hear everything he says before, during and after the game. It’s pretty cool to hear them talking during their games for sure.

While I was trying to grill out last night and simultaneously set up a slip and slide in the back yard for the girls to play on, I was thinking of what it would sound like if I was mic’d up one night when I have the kids at home. On a side note, slip and slides are pieces of junk… but anyway, Mic’d up dad… here is a one night transcript of what would have been heard, Names have been omitted to protect the seemingly innocent or to keep from embarrassing them:

“OK Get yalls bathing suits on and then come in here”

“Can you help her get her bathing suit on, please!”

“No, you can’t have a snack, we are going to eat in just a little while, I’m making the burgers right now”

“That’s not a bathing suit, that’s a…I don’t know what that is called, just go put a bathing suit on”

“No! you can’t have a little Debbie Cake for a snack, you had an ICEE on the way home, and we are going to eat in a minute”

“Why isn’t her bathing suit on yet”

“Close the door for crying out loud!”

“OK,Geez, just get one of those little bags of chips…”

“No, no one else is coming over…”

“Can someone get her bathing suit on????”

“I think your bathing suit is on backwards…”

“Yes there is a hamburger for each of you”

“No You don’t have to wear you’re arm floaties, I don’t think you can drown on a slip N slide”

“We aren’t eating it like that! That is what the hamburger looks like before we cook itl”

“Its the radio… I can’t MAKE “Chicken Fried” come on, it plays what it wants to”

“Wait! you have to put water on the slip n slide before you slide!”

“NO, you can’t turn the water on yet, the hose isn’t hooked up”

“Whoa…are you ok?”

“TAKE TURNS!!!”

“Shut the Door!!!”

“Dry off first!”

“OK Come eat dinner”

“Oh crap go get the cheese”

“No, I didn’t make french fries, eat some chips”

“Don’t touch that, its HOT!”

“How old is this cheese??”

“Didn’t I tell you your bathing suit top was on backwards?”

“You’re in the back yard, no one will see you change”

“Ouwww, crap that bacon is hot, I burnt my finger!!”

“No I don’t want to rub a pickle on the burn”

“Who left the door open??!!!”

“Hmmmm, the pickle DID take out the burn…”

“Yes your sharing that drink”

“MMMM… my burger is good too”

“Whatttt?? Geez…. Pee or Poop??”

“Just go over there in the grass and I will hose you off in a minute”

“If you’re not done eating, get off the fence!”

“Well just get off the fence anyway, our family is accident prone”

“You’re standing in an ant bed!”

“oops… I ripped the slip and slide when I picked it up”

“I know its a piece of junk…”

“Hey!! Don’t get your head stuck in there!”

“No… we aren’t going to Baskin Robbins tonight”

“Have some more pickles…”

“OK, clean up this trash”

“……..where did they go??…”

“….(typical unintelligible mumbling goes here)…..”

“SHUT THE STINKIN’ DOOR, we aren’t air conditioning the whole neighborhood!!”

“..(mumbles)…good grief, I’m my Dad…”

“What are yall doing in here?”

“geez, there’s dirt all over the floor in here now!!”

“I need a maid”

“ok, you need a bath”

“I know you got wet outside, you smell like sweaty dogs, get in the bathtub”

“What does that note say? ….No! I’m not signing it…”

“You got them to sign a note that said they would be your servant for the rest of the night for free??”

“She can’t even read!! Quit tricking your sisters”

“No..I know…you don’t have to do what she says, get in the bathtub!”

“..(mumbles)…is it bedtime yet?….”

“Hey…I think your pajamas are on backwards…”

Here’s a few quick tips, while I’m at it for any newly single dad’s:

1) If you can’t figure out if your pants are blue or black, don’t ask your kids, just go with whatever color you want them to be and don’t let anyone talk you out of it.

2) Baby wipes are great for shining your shoes when you’re in a hurry.

3) If the older kids tell you that the toddler spilt her apple juice all over the living room floor, but you can’t find a cup, you better find that toddler quick! It’s probably not apple juice!

4) If they ask you a question you really don’t want to get into at their age, just tell them you will discuss it with them later, that should buy you about 6 weeks, then repeat.

5) There’s no such thing as giving them too much attention.