Its been a while, but I’ve been keeping real busy…and somehow I hurt the knuckle in my pinky finger on my right hand a few weeks ago…no big deal right?  I don’t even know how I did it, which probably has something to do with my age and I am expecting a broken hip any day now, but anyhow, through this horrible debilitating injury, I have come to discover the many handshaking variations that people use. I mean, I really don’t like the ‘pansy’ hand shake, where the guy only uses his fingers and feels like he’s trying not to mess up his newly polished nails, and I absolutely can’t stand the ‘quick-grabber’ who closes his grip before my hand is all the way into his and automatically makes ME the pansy-finger-shake-person and I want to yell something like “HEY that’s not my handshake, you didn’t even give me a chance there buddy, I wanna do over!” So lately my hand has been hurting while shaking hands at church or work or wherever, due to this prolific injury, so I have learned a new technique where I shove my hand into the would-be squeezaholic’s hand so extremely fast that I actually sometimes surprise and confuse them (I have named it the ‘shock and awe’ shake), and then I smile at them real big while having a pain free shake!. However…. however… this is my ultimate hated handshake:  The ‘competition squeezer’,  Yes, I said the competition squeezer….. these guys should be wearing team uniforms with numbers and sponsorships….these human beings feel the need to look you straight in the eye and squeeze the hardest they possibly can until they affirm their masculinity to themselves.  It’s like they are at the county fair and they think if they squeeze my hand hard enough, my head will pop right off my neck and they will win a giant stuffed giraffe or something!  As they see me approach I think they actually hear a voice in their head..”step right up, win a prize!”…GUYS, church is NOT the time for a tough man competition, you didn’t have to pay to get in and there is no prize!!  My pastor happens to be a hybrid version of both the competition squeezer and quick grabber, he grabs your fingers as soon as he feels contact and squeezes impressively hard while looking you directly in the eye, and I just smile and say “hi” while inside my head I’m screaming all kinds of things that are not appropriate to yell at church…    I think I’m going to start boycotting the whole handshake thing anyway, I’ve really grown fond of the fist bump. How can we send out that announcement and just cancel the handshake in exchange for the fist bump? I mean it has to be more sanitary too! Think about the quick grabber that catches your eye as he’s coming out of the bathroom?….fist bump and run baby! ….and your probably ok still….

speaking of bathroom humor…..My Girls…Bless their hearts, I thought they were just gonna be so sweet and fluffy, like kittens; I’m not sure who they’ve been hanging around but the other day one of them had been having some, errr.. well my Grandad use to call it Montezuma’s revenge…. but anyway, they were all in the bathroom at a restaurant taking a very long time and when they finally came out, I asked, “Were ya’ll playing in there”?  Three “no’s” came back quickly, so then I felt bad and later I asked Blondie if the reason they took so long was because she had been experiencing the aforementioned revenge, and she responded very quickly, “NO! Those 2 were in there taking giant elephant dumps”! Good Grief….sweetness…

In randomness….The last time I changed a battery in the truck, I noticed that it had a warning label that said “Do not drink the battery acid” Really??… Really!! Well, NOW you tell me!!  Last time I got thirsty on a road trip, I was all upset that someone drank all my window washer fluid, so  I was about to go for the battery acid and walla! the warning!!  Thanks Interstate Battery people, bunch of lifesavers aren’t ya?!

Speaking of batteries, whats up with these smart cars?  I just wanna hit one with my ‘stupid’ truck so bad, but they’re decievingly quick! Everyone says, yeah, but you wouldn’t want to get in a wreck in one of those!  I really don’t wanna get in a wreck in any vehicle, but I really think it should be mandatory that they wear helmets riding in those little Fisher Price cars, I mean if my kids have to wear a helmet riding a bike, these nerds should have to wear a helmet in their nerd-mobile’s, and we can’t really afford to lose any more nerds… I need someone who can speak English to be working in Tech support when I call…..and speaking of helmets, I saw a girl riding one of those little scooter/motorcycle things the other day and it got me thinking…if you get on one of those things and you look down and can’t see the scooter, you might need a bigger scooter or a Harley or a smart car!  I mean, if you sit down on your motor bike scooter thingy and the only thing you can see are the mirrors, you have more problems than high gas prices.

Pic Courtesy of Shane! Thanks!

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